Break Up To Make Up

 @ The Biltmore Estate November 2008

A few months ago I was at the bookstore reading some of Dr. Phil's relationship books after experiencing a semi break up with my fiancé. Even though I did the breaking up, I wanted understanding, and clarity on why I was feeling like the bad person. There are always two sides to every story, and I was clear on what my problems were-I just didn’t know how to fix them.

First up is respect, he did everything to warrant my respect. He provides for the household, spends quality time with me and our son, gives me my free time, surprises me with gifts and generally put our needs first. So what was the problem you ask? Simply, I wanted to be in control because I was always an aggressive woman, and I didn't know a thing about being submissive or how to let someone else make decisions for me.

After skimming through a few books surprisingly I found some very valuable tools that I was able to put into effect immediately. The writings on the pages forced me to deal with who I was as a woman. I knew if I wanted to make things work, first I needed to grasp a few concepts from the book. I would have to be a little gentler with my words, submissive (that would be a hard one), understanding and respectful of his decisions. It’s okay to feel in control, but at the same time let him think he’s in control (that’s what the book taught me). I definitely could not go on being the person that led to our breaking up.

Honestly we both had some work to do, but I understood I can only control my actions and responses. I also accepted that love is hard work, unconditional, full of compromises and you can’t set expectations with out setting boundaries first. Good thing he was patient with me, understood me, and accepted me; flaws and all. Isn’t that what love is really about?

Hopefully you learn something about yourself during a break up, like I did, do some fine tuning, but the most important thing you have to do is realize that loving you comes first. So when loves comes back to you, like the saying goes, it’s yours to keep.